My story is probably one that’s been heard before (or at least, I think it is), but so far it has a relatively happy ending to it, and I’m more or willing to keep it that way.
But first, some background information:
I was pretty new to the Internet (when I was 15, I’m 18 now), and I thought I’d try my hand at online friendships, since it seemed like all my friends at school at the time had SOMEONE they could say they were close to.
I never imagined one of the first people I’d talk to – I’d eventually fall in love with. True, at first it was… strange, very strange! As in – yes I was into that sort of thing before it happened (obviously), but I didn’t think I was one. Not by a long shot.
I just really, really, really was opposed to the idea of kissing a guy, much less doing "it" with a guy. (Not to mention date. Haven’t dated any)
So when I started talking to her (at that time, she had a crush on her best friend) it was strictly friendship. She showed me that being lesbian (or at least Bisexual) wasn’t some horribly taboo thing that people only talked about at school, between their friends (or downright avoided). And I always remember helping her out in anyway I could – telling her ‘you can do it!’ ‘Have confidence in yourself!’. How far she got with her friend? She could only say she was bisexual.
Then we stopped talking. Or rather – she ‘disappeared’ for a while, only sending me random emails at very spontaneous times. I was worried, of course. I mean – how could I NOT be? At that point I had been friends with her for a year, and I know whenever I tried sending her an email, she either wouldn’t respond – or she wouldn’t get it at all (Stupid computers)
Then before I knew it, our contact basically dropped to her commenting (maybe) on some artwork/stories I uploaded. Needless to say, it was obvious she had withdrawn, and at that point, I was worried as heck.
That’s probably when I realized that something wasn’t normal (well, except for the fact that I was unusually angry at her – for deciding to ‘drop’ and ‘not try’ her relationship with her friend out, like she was denying herself happiness because her self-esteem was so low).
I was almost fed up enough to TRY and contact her (somehow) again – when randomly, one day, right before my 17th birthday, she emailed me, for the first time in nearly 6 months. I wanted to cry I was so happy – I wanted to tell her how worried I was. But then she went and said she ‘might’ have a relationship with someone else. Another person she was trying to cheer up online.
And, okay, I’ll admit I’m stubborn as heck. I absolutely adamantly refused to believe I was pining for her. I was just a caring friend, who was worried as heck for the 6-month absence. Who WOULDN’T be so worried about their friend they felt like they might cry? (Well, okay, yeah that sounds a bit extreme, but I’m a crybaby. Proud to admit it!)
Another friend of mine, at the time, more than told me that. (Again, online friend… I didn’t have many friends I saw every single day – enough to trust – at that point) It was because of her pushing – and secretly thinking I was ‘heart broken’ but waiting to see if I realized it myself – that I think made me crack.
Of course, when I realized this (May 11th, 10:40PM at night, a Sunday, almost a year ago, now) – when I FINALLY realized that maybe my heart was just a bit broken (because of course, if I realized I was pining for her – why would she want to be with me of all people? I mean… c’mon. If there’s one thing I’m pessimistic about – it’s love)
It was almost cute that she didn’t get it at first. Didn’t get it, until I literally had to TELL HER she broke my heart, maybe, just a little. But I still wanted to be friends (if she wanted to work something out with the other girl she was trying to help. Because the least I could do was make sure she was happy, right?)
Well, I guess here comes my own happy ending, of sorts. It turns out – maybe, for the entire time we’d known each other (or talked online, whatever) she had been feeling the same too. This weird subconscious pull in the back of her brain saying something – she just wasn’t sure what. She even asked me why I loved her (low-self-esteem speaking, of course).
But I won’t list the reasons here. Since all that was just background info.
My biggest issue now is, yes, we’ve almost been together for a year now. That and, I MAY (very, very small MAY) be going to see her this summer.
Where does she live? France, Lyon, France, to be exact!
The only way I could make any sort of plan work out is if dad tagged along, which he was all for (his only qualm was quelled when he came in while I was speaking to her over webcam – so he KNOWS she isn’t… some creepy stalker man person.)
My issue with that, though, is – I’m 18 now, have been for over a month now. I’m basically an adult, and I will be going to University next year. She even said, if she could, she’d come to visit me some time in August. We’d celebrate her 22nd birthday together, early, probably.
But dad keeps giving mixed messages. First he says gays/bis/lesbians only do it to get attention. Then he turns around and says that they’re fine. I really don’t get it.
Mom, on the other hand, says she’s fine with it, but she still doesn’t trust my friends enough just because they’re ‘online’ friends, and she still believes that they might kidnap me and run off.
(I’m not bringing my older sister into this. She’s already asked me if I want to get married and have kids. I promptly said: “Well I DO want to have kids” never said squat about marriage though)
So right now I’m trying to sort out ideas – any sort of ideas. I mean, if she comes to visit when I’m in University, then she can just stay in my dorm room (though the limit a guest can stay over is 3-days… and I’ll have a roommate), but I’m starting to feel horribly dirty about lying and saying she’s just a friend. I’m not used to lying, and I really hate the fact that I’ve almost gotten used to it now.
Does anyone have any suggestions? I’d love to hear them. Really I would.
(oh, if it helps, her father already knows she’s lesbian, I’m not sure if her mother knows – and her young brother knows too. But her parents are much more open and accepting of that sort of thing.)