Hey there Alex,

I hope I can help with your question. I know it’s not the easiest thing to talk about considering you and your friend don’t even speak about it.

To my understanding there’s two separate parts to this situation. I understand that your currently questioning your own sexuality, which is completely normal and the big secret is, almost everyone does at one point in their life, male, female, heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual. Sexuality itself is complicated, which is why the study of human sexuality is ongoing.

There’s no clear cut signs or answers, meaning the only person who could tell your friend or yourself what their sexual orientation is, would be ones own self. If you’re both enjoying being together in a sexual or sensual way, that’s fine, though it seems there’s a block as far as opening up a dialogue with what your friend is comfortable with, what he is uncomfortable with and why. My response would be to simply look into what you are comfortable with, discover your own sexuality, your limitations. Once that is established it may make it easier to discuss with your friend why he would be sexually aroused at first to oral sex with you but then stop mid-way and state that it’s wrong.

You also stated that you do not want to sleep with any males, no matter what you feel while watching porn or being sexually stimulated. These may just be fantasies. If these feelings are something that you enjoy but attempt to halt yourself by any outside factors, such as fear of being gay, fear of having to change your life and lifestyle, it may be best to separate the two sentiments. Reflecting on what you enjoy sexually as just that and not its effect on your life can simply help create a clearer view, rather then having these separate feelings combined. This may even be something called Post coital tristesse, that you may have a negative feeling after an orgasm is had (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-coital_tristesse), which your friend may be having as well, assuming the feelings of fear towards actually being gay are separate from why something that arouses your friend is also making him uncomfortable.

Be it that you both are currently friends and if either one of you would like to move towards a sexual relationship, an open dialogue could be the best option to figure out where your friend wants to go with your friendship. I’m sorry for the long response that couldn’t be summed up in a yes or no answer, but there’s nothing to state that your friend is or isn’t gay. He would need to conclude that himself.

I don’t think I can stress enough if you are gay that it doesn’t change you or who you are, or meaning not being able to attempt the life you’d like to lead, as one can still eventually find a way to have kids and lead any life they desire. Simply find what you enjoy and what makes you happy – it’s worth fighting for.

Here’s a link that may help in opening up a dialogue with your friend:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_fantasy#Gender_differences

For Alterheros,

Alysia