At 63 I am still confused and miserable. I love women but have never had a full-on relationship with one. I want to know if I can be a part of a bi- or lesbian community that values fidelity? All the bi\’s that I\’ve met were interested in threesomes and I am definitely not. Can I come out at 63 and not lose all my friends? I am too old to start over and yet… I want the love of a woman. What should I do? Do I try to get accepted in the glbt community in my town? I used to be before I married my last husband. I don\’t want to be isolated or shut off from any part of the world. I should have gone through this in adolescence. Why I didn\’t I don\’t know. I had a lesbian friend but she didn\’t turn me on, she was butch. I like feminine women. I am in an agony of indecision. I feel like at my age I must decide and stick to it. Thank you for your time.
Direne
Hi Direne,
By the sounds of your question is seems that you are feeling quite overwhelmed and that you might perhaps be ready to explore some parts of yourself that have confused you for some time now. I want to start by highlighting how much strength it takes for one to ask these sorts of questions, at any age. You say that you wish you had of gone through this in adolescence, but everyone has a different process to go through and this is one that is not easy for many people – regardless of age.
Since I do not know where you live it is a bit difficult to comment on the lesbian and bi community in particular that you are wanting to be a part of again. Generally speaking though, these communities are created and exist to embrace lesbians and bisexuals of all ages, races, abilities, etc. Depending on what your specific interests are, there could very well be a social group of like minded lesbians that gather in your community. There might also be a support group for women who are exploring their sexuality later in life. If you are unable to find any of these groups in your community, there are certainly many online communities that you might find helpful. Furthermore, just as with heterosexuals, people who are LGBT can have different values and you might meet some who value fidelity and others for whom that is not important. Being a lesbian or bisexual does not need to change who you are or what you value, and finding a compatible partner can be equally as challenging regardless of their gender and sexual orientation.
Whether coming out will cause you to lose all of your friends is not something that I can comment on without knowing them. It is also not something that you can control. Coming out is something that you might decide to do for yourself and your own happiness. Your friends are responsible for their reactions and hopefully they will be supportive of you. Coming out can involve a lot of lifestyle changes and over time you might find some new friends who share some of your new interests.
You mention feeling “miserable” and in “agony”. I encourage you to keep asking yourself all of these questions and keep seeking guidance until the agony subsides and misery gives way to joy. There is no age limit or expiry date on happiness and we are often never finished discovering and creating ourselves.
There are also many books on this subject which you might find interesting. Here are some titles to get you started:
Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire by Lisa Diamond
Long time passing by Marcy Adelman
Whistling Women by J Dianne Garner and Cheryl Claassen
I hope you have found this to be helpful Direne, and please do not hesitate if you have any further questions!
Hillary, for Alterheros.