I started having gay feelings when I was 15 and it remained my main sexual orientation despite of having feelings for women from time to time. i have never had a coming out and only few erotic encounters with both women and men but i have never been in a relationship so far. i have two questions that worry me deeply: I have fantasies about having sex with my own father from time to time, nrief fantasies about him nacked that kind of arouse me – which worries me because i think i might have dangerous problems. second i discovered that young boys (8-12) attract me – i never had these feelings until 6 or 7 weeks ago and i don’t know what exactly this attraction is and means – it worries me as well. i want to live and love without fear – should i be worried?

Hi,

Thank you for bringing your questions to AlterHeros, we’ll do our best to answer you. Before we go further, let’s make sure I understand your situation. You want to live and love freely but there are aspects of yourself that seem to hinder you. You feel much more attracted to men then you do women but in the past, you’ve fantasized about having sex with your father and recently you’ve experienced fantasies about young boys. These fantasies trouble you. I know it’s not easy to ask and I thank you for trusting us.

You speak of having brief fantasies of your father, occasionally. This, to a certain extent, is normal. Our parents are important people in our psychosexual development. As children we idolize them and during the Oedipus complex, we compete with the parent of the same sex as us for the attention and love of the parent of the opposite sex. As the complex is resolved, we turn to associate with the parent of the same sex to avoid the competition and possibility of being castrated – psychologically speaking. How does having these fantasies worry you? What feelings does it bring up inside you? Why do you believe it’s a dangerous problem? If you’d like to stop having these fantasies, there are ways to try and condition the mind so that every time you start having this fantasy, you mentally stop the whole thing. This conditioning can be done by thinking of something you don’t like when this fantasy of your father comes to mind – but it’s necessary to be careful to associate the dislike only with the fantasy and not your father as a person. Otherwise, you could also use a physical trigger to stop the fantasy. For example, carrying around a small vial of something you dislike and when the fantasy pops into mind, you either smell or taste what’s in the vial. But conditioning can be a tricky process, you must be careful of what you associate and how you proceed. There is also the possibility of opening up to someone you trust and to whom you can confide. If you don’t think that someone close to you can be that person, there’s always the possibility of making an appointment with a sexologist or a psychologist, whether in your area or not.

You also describe having noticed that young boys attract you and you’re very worried about it. Sometimes attraction is not about sexuality rather than being attracted to their minds. So when you speak of attraction, what do you mean? Do you mean physical? Psychological? Emotional? Spiritual? Children, even the older ones, have a vision of the world often filled with innocence and naivety, something that we forget from our own childhood and to encounter it as an adult, it can open up a new way of thinking that we’ve completely out grown and that’s often the attractive part – to pick at the brain of these children to try and see what they see. Otherwise, you mention that this started happening 6-7 weeks ago. As far as you can recall, what happened during that period that could have triggered these feelings? It could be a very insignificant moment – hearing a child say something or see a child do something that happened to imprint your mind. It could be something more significant as well. Over all, this attraction is deeply worrying you and you’d like to live without fear. I recommend you think through what you believe this attraction is before moving forward with another step. Once that’s been done, you could always try and approach the subject with someone that you trust, that you can confide in without fear of being reprised. If this doesn’t seem plausible, there’s always the option of trying to get an appointment with a sexologist or a psychologist and to delve deeper into how this situation is making you feel and what solutions you might be able to discover with their help.

How to you feel about the options that have been brought to you throughout this answer? Do you think its possible for you to undertake any of them? How do you feel knowing you’re not alone in this? You hope to accomplish a life of openness and freedom. Think about what’s been said here and please don’t hesitate to write to us again.

Sincerely,

Tamara