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Bag Him Up

The sun has finally arrived and all us single gay boys are suddenly hit with a burning need to bag a man. Believe me sweeties, it's going to reach epidemic levels and to stay ahead of the race you're going to need some sly tricks up your sleeve. Forget all those lengthy beauty routines and evenings at the gym. While you're stuck humping some exercise machine, some other floozy is out there trying to hump your new potential boyfriend.

Stand back for our top ten of half-assed ways to appear more attractive whilst bagging your new man.

1) Cheeky Smile
The cheeky smile can never be underdone. No one fancies a miserable looking bugger. Grab yourself a mirror and practice smiling like a loon. Pearly white teeth are a plus, so invest in some of that whitening stuff. Actually, oral hygiene all round is a big must, so that's flossing, scrubbing and mouthwash.

2) Bright Eyes
Tired eyes are a big no-no. The slightest squint can make potential boyfriends run a mile, so concentrate on always looking wired. I know there's no point in suggesting early nights and all that nonsense, just get some of that stinging eye gel that makes you look like you've just been chopping onions. Why not try and master come to bed eyes.

3) Lip Service
There's a fine line between a kissable pout and out-and-out blow-job lips. Bee stung lips are all the rage but do practice how best to make your lips attractive. Try a range of pouts in front of some drunken friends before unleashing your new weapon on an unsuspecting boyfriend. The combination of come to bed eyes' and the right pout can be lethal.

4) Adopt A Summer Look
We're talking nice clean white T-shirts with a hint of nipple view and some casual slacks. Do try and avoid looking too camp. No one likes a jessie now, do they? The straight boy look does tend to have higher sexual return, so ditch the crop tops and Chinese print vest tops. Looking like a Billy Doll ain't gonna get you a husband.

5) Straight Acting, Non-Scene
Do try to limit those swishing hand gestures when you're spinning one of your hilarious yarns. Lowering the voice an octave or two will reap rewards too. Also avoid the use of ‘Bless' ‘Smell Her' and ‘Fabulous'. Do some research here sweeties (actually, best ditch that word too) – try watching how straight boys walk. You'll find that a swagger is a sign of great sexual prowess, so it's time to ditch your bottom-swinging mince.

6) The right place, the right time
Leave the bars and clubs to the one-night stand merchants. The heartache of spying your perfect man then having your hopes cruelly dashed when he suddenly launches into a full Steps dance routine can never be underestimated. You need to be seen picnicking with friends in the park or reading something classy under a tree with a bottle of vino. The summer is great for lounging around looking doable. If you're still not having success with the above tips, then it's time to adopt more radical steps.

7) The no pants routine
Why not invest in some cool sports shorts and wear them at all times avec no pants. No single man can resist a sizeable swing and while he's transfixed with your bouncing genitals you can move in for the kill.

8) Borrow a cute dog
A cute dog can do wonders for your pulling chances. Firstly, it shows that you're the sensitive type, and secondly, it's ideal for getting perfect strangers talking to you. Brush up on your doggie knowledge as they are bound to ask what kind it is and how old the little fucker is.

9) The strong silent type
I know how hard it is for a gay boy to be quiet, but the strong silent type routine may just be your last chance. Try listening when you get chatting to a potential boyfriend and while he's boring you witless, you can ensure that your lips, hands, genitals and cute dog are all performing at their best. Concentration is the key.

10) Flirt like a bastard
Well we've tidied ourselves up a little, lost an ounce or two of mince and ditched our underwear. The final tip has to be flirting like a bastard from dawn till dusk. Lots of eye contact, nice big smile and perhaps the odd wink in the right circumstances. We're talking actually turning around to check he's seen you as he walks past. Remember that if your eyes meet more than three times then he's well up for it. Have no shame and flirt like a bastard wherever you are. Don't be shy about making the first move and remember you are beautiful (if not a bit mad) and you deserve some gorgeous boyfriend.
 

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