Hi Amy and thanks for your message.

Let me tell you that it takes a lot of courage to accept ones’ true feelings and attractions to people of the same sex and to not deny them. Hence, I commend you for doing that since it’s one of the most difficult things to do. Some people are more accommodating to the idea of being homosexual or bisexual, more so than others. But for many, this discovery causes real a feeling of faintness, concern, anguish… A fear that can grow and drive some to even attempt suicide. Nevertheless, we can try to understand this fear, because we all, more or less, confront the same types of obstacles, with respect to the recognition of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender rights, and factors that affect the acceptance of oneself as a homosexual, bisexual, or even transgender individuals – obstacles that often illicit, within us, a sense of fear even fright – but not to be heterosexual (i.e. to be attracted to a person of the opposite sex), as it is the case for the majority of the population To be brief, I would say that, in general, the unknown creates or illicits fear.

One does not speak about homosexuality, bisexuality, transgendered people because it is more often than not regarded as deviant behaviour, a perversion, which is not entitled to be recognized or talked about, for example, in school sex education classes. But why this relentless effort to regard homosexuality, bisexuality, or even transgendered people as sexual deviants?

If someone discovers their true sexual identity, be it homosexual, bisexual, he/she is often instructed to remain silent… A silence full of consequences, a very unpleasant fear and anguish related to buried secrets which one does not speak of but which are filled with pressing danger.

Fear of being homosexual or bisexual takes on different forms and is accompanied by sentiments of solitude and genuine distress:

• fear of oneself, to be abnormal, to be a monster, accompanied by a dislike or hatred of oneself…

• fear of the reaction of others towards you (friends, family, classmates, teachers, colleagues at work…) which results in isolation, hiding, to be ashamed of oneself, and often leads to one living a double life, while secretly living his/her homosexuality (or bisexuality)…

• fear of a lack of understanding and rejection by those close to you, fear of losing those which one loves, cares for…

• Fear of making others suffer: if one does not talk about homosexuality then it must be evil… One wonders then if the truth will make one’s parents suffer, if one is worthy to be loved… Fear of disappointing others…

• Fear of the future: the hopes, dreams, and projects we set out for life are more or less conditioned by the heterosexual model: to have a wife/a husband, children, a beautiful house… When one discovers that he/she is gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, he/she anticipates future problems, which is quite normal, since nobody told him/her about anything else but a heterosexual orientation or model to follow.

• Fear of not being able to be happy, not to be able to find a soul mate, to spending the rest of your life alone…

In all cases, I imagine that this fear is directly related to the ignorance towards understanding what it is to be homosexual, bisexual, or different. If those that discovered what draws them to others of the same sex had learned about homosexuality in a manner other than how it is usually conveyed (with prejudice) or by the silence which surrounds the subject, this fear, with its multiple facets, would not lead to the intense anguish and depression that is often associated with it nowadays.

With regards to how you can come out to other people and tell them about your bisexuality, I suggest you read our responses to questions about the same topic that we have previously answered for others. In addition, I suggest reading some articles in our Coming Out section, and the Am I gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender? Folder, which may help answer any other questions you yourself may have as well as help you dispel any wrong ideas others may have regarding homosexuality and gender identity. In addition, reading some of the personal stories of others that came out in the My Story section may prove useful – by learning about other’s experiences, you’ll know more about who you are, what stage in the coming out process you are at, and what to expect when do you come out.

I hope I’ve answered your question Amy. If you have other questions, do not hesitate to post another question.

Team AlterHéros