Hi Ben,

This sounds like a very difficult situation. It can be really hard to not respond to external pressures of who you should be vs. who you really are. It can also be difficult to feel like you have to hide who you are (or, as you said, only do certain things in private).

I think everyone has the right to feel comfortable expressing themselves, but it sounds like there are things going on in your life that make it hard to do that. Do you have friends who cross-dress as well? Have you tried to contact other groups who deal with gender identity?

A few of the following websites may be helpful –Note : because we are based mainly in Montreal, Canada, resources are mainly from Canada as well. However, they may help you get more information from websites or groups in the States-:

1) http://ssmu.mcgill.ca/uge/

2) http://www.the519.org/programs/trans/index.shtml

3) http://www.trans-health.com

Feeling isolated and misunderstood can contribute significantly to your unhappiness. Being able to share with other individuals with similar issues could help you find ways to tolerate this situation.

I think you sound like a really strong person and I think you deserve to be able to express yourself. Feeling “empty inside” sounds like such a hard way to feel, and I don’t think anyone has the right to make you feel like that way. I am not sure whether the negative effects of these drugs have incapacitated you severely, but in some cases, doctors offer sex reassignment surgery as well. Of course, only you and your physician could take that decision when taking into account your current physical and emotional state – as some individuals remain depressed or have increased depressive symptoms after their surgery. Of course, taking such a decision is a life-altering step and should be taken lightly. This is why you should get as much information as you can on gender identity, gender dysphoria, and see if these conditions seem to be similar to what you are going through at this time. Although we do not encourage the use of labels as they tend to over-simplify the complexity of sexual orientation or gender issues, these concepts could help you find out about groups, clinics, and information centers that could be helpful to you.

You should also glean as much information as you can on the various treatments available, and possibly discuss them with your physician. You can start with the websites listed above.

I think you are really brave for contacting us, as it can be really difficult to speak up about something you may feel conflicted about. Thank you for your question. Please feel free to write back if you feel the need to,

S, for AlterHeroes