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We are both married to men, but we are attracted to each other and have to keep it a secret.
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We are both married to men, but we are attracted to each other and have to keep it a secret.

Question asked by holly (40 years old heterosexual woman from India, India)

Question answered on August 26, 2009 by

Sorted in Cultures, Questions, Relationships

i am a 40 years old married woman with three children.I have a very close female friend of about the same age and she too has three children.We have been friends for six years and are extremely close.We have gone on vacation together but in all these years noting sexual has happened.We have shared bed,hugs and were always physical but neither of us felt sexually attracted to each other.Both of us are quite happily married and have never had or felt like having any gay encounters.Just recently we mutually became so sexually attracted to each other its driving us insane ,its just like falling in love for the first time :butterflies ,weak knees,arousal .looking into each other eyes,constantly thinking of each other ,wanting to hear each others voice, wanting to touch each other.So far we have not crossed any lines but we both know once given the chance to be alone we will.Please help there is too much at stake ,our husbands are close friends and we CAN NEVER DISCLOSE THIS TO ANYONE.Why now

Hi Holly,

Thank you for writing to us here at AlterHeros with your question.

In your question, you have mentioned that you and your female friend have developed a romantic attraction to each other. You are not crossing any lines but feel that, given the opportunity, you will act on your feelings. You also say that you can’t let anyone know about this attraction.

I can see how this situation with your friend can be very challenging and confusing for you. Having feelings for one’s friend, especially a very close friend, actually occurs more often than you’d think. Despite its frequency, having these feelings is not any less difficult to deal with, especially if it is an attraction that can possibly cause an amount of negative consequences.

As for ‘why now’, I am unsure. There could be many reasons for a sudden attraction to a close friend. Your closeness in friendship and close proximity to each other may offer the right environment for romantic feelings to begin between you and your friend.

You and your friend have many choices available. What you decide to do is up to you. By your question, it sounds like you have discussed this matter with your friend. An open line of communication will be very beneficial for you and your friend during this time. Talk to her about what you want to come of this attraction. Perhaps you need to alter where, when and for how long you see each other. If you feel you and your friend can never be together romantically, this seems like the only logical way to deal with each other and still remain friends.

If this situation begins to take a toll on your general wellbeing, I would encourage you to seek out counseling with a professional. I understand that you are cautious about disclosing this information to anyone, but please keep in mind that counselors are bound to confidentiality and should not give out any information about anything you disclose.

If you have any more questions, please don’t hesitate to contact Alterheros again.

Kelley, for Alterheros

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About

Kelley is currently in her last year at Concordia University, studying Psychology and Interdisciplinary Studies in Sexuality. For two years, she lived and worked in the university residence halls as a Resident Assistant where she played an active part in aiding the residents as they made the change from high school to university life. In high school, Kelley was a member of her school’s gay-straight alliance. She held the president role in her last year where she led meetings and organized events to foster the growth of a tolerant campus.

I’m interested in being apart of AlterHeros because I have a passion for helping others. I feel that it is important to have an online resource where people can come to with their questions and have them answered in a relatively private setting, especially for those who may face discrimination in their home setting for coming forward with these types of questions.

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