Hi Marie,

Thanks for writing to us at AlterHéros. It sounds like the fact that your long term boyfriend is masturbating online with other men is causing you a great deal of concern. Notably, you did not mention two things in your post: 1) whether or not this habit of his is affecting your sexual relationship (i.e. his interest in having sex with you has changed in some way or you feel he spends more time masturbating to images of men than keeping you sexually satisfied) and 2) you did not question his sexual orientation (to be clear, straight men can and do masturbate with other men but it's not generally considered “standard practice”). Since you did not bring up these common concerns, they won't be addressed in this response.

Now, when it comes to you asking about whether or not you are overreacting and making a big issue out of your current situation, the answer is NO. It's very kind and caring of you to give your partner the benefit of the doubt by wondering if you're the one who is making a big deal out of something when it is considered “normal” by other peoples' standards. However, what isn't okay is that he's doing something that he knows will bother you, even when he's said that he would stop. As his partner, it is completely acceptable for you to tell him that what he's doing is making you uncomfortable and that you would prefer it if he didn't do it. It would work the same way the other way around as well; if you were doing something he didn't like, he would have every right to tell you so. The main problem now however, as mentioned before, is that you've confronted your boyfriend and he told you that he would stop, but he hasn't.

To be fair to your boyfriend, he's probably pretty embarrassed about the fact that he can't seem to stop masturbating to images of men. This would explain why he denied it so vehemently when you had the heated discussion with him. Since it doesn't seem like it's going to be a habit that he will easily kick, you might have to let him continue what he's doing if you want to stay and continue your relationship with him. This probably isn't what you want to hear, but could very well be the reality of your situation. That being said, you are still entitled to setting up some boundaries with him.

Here is an example of what you could do. Feel free to add or withdraw things, as each person has his or her own approach on that subject !! You could sit down with him and tell him that you've caught him masturbating to men on several occasions and that it really hurt you, especially after he told you that he would stop. You could tell him that because you're a loving and understanding girlfriend, you can overlook this transgression if he agrees to the following:

1. If he cannot for the life of him stop masturbating to men, he has to learn to HIDE IT FROM YOU. That means that he needs to learn to be able to indulge himself without you ever being able to catch him. Tell him that he's done a really sloppy job up to date and if he wants to be able to get off to images of men masturbating, he will have to be completely clandestine about it, otherwise you'll start questioning whether or not you want to stay with him.

2. He has to keep you sexually satisfied. If he gets to have what he wants sexually, you're also entitled to getting what you want. Make sure he understands that if you can allow him to do sexual things that you're not completely on board with, he will have to allow you to have what you want as well, whether he's on board with it or not.

Understandably, you might not be very comfortable with this plan of action since it does involve a bit of denial on your part. Ideally, he would be able to stop masturbating to men and you two could live happily ever after. Unfortunately, his habit will probably never go away and you will have to accept it as a part of who he is if you want to stay with him. At least if you have the conversation outlined above, you'll get to have some control over the situation so that you're not the only one who has to compromise.

Hopefully you'll be able to work things out with your boyfriend. If you feel that this advice is totally wrong for you or that you have more questions or updates, please write to us again and we will gladly rework our advice to what will work best for you. Until then, good luck!

Sincerely,

K-Wo for AlterHéros