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Am I still a lesbian if I’m attracted to my transgender friend?
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Am I still a lesbian if I’m attracted to my transgender friend?

Question asked by Sara (22 years old homosexual woman from United States of America, United States of America)

Question answered on January 16, 2011 by

Sorted in Friendship, Love, Discovery, Age difference, En questionnement, Questions, Relationships, Transsexuality, Lesbian living, Trans living

I’m a lesbian that has been with the same butch lesbian for a while. My question is: could I still be considered lesbian if I’ve been dreaming and having sexual thoughts about transgender people F2M? I have found myself very aroused by there looks… I guess i’m writing this because i haven’t had sex with my partner in over two months because i just don’t seem attracted to her as much as I did before. I love my girlfriend very much but, I’m at a loss on what to do and tell her. I have a friend that’s transgender (as well as others) and, I cant seem to stop thinking about him… When i’m around him nothing matters anymore I feel complete… He’s smart, funny, sexually attractive, and very easy to talk to. I can totally see us being together but, i cant get myself to hurt the person im with because, im a bit confused on why im attracted to him and not her anymore…. Please help!!

Hi Sara,

You say you have been with the same girlfriend for a while now.  How long is that to you? Some people might think that 6 months is a long time, others might say 2 years.

You want to know if you are still considered a lesbian if you have dreams about transgendered people.  People have all sorts of dreams.  These dreams do not determine what or who we are.  It is just our mind’s way of processing information from the day. The only person who can answer the question as to whether or not you can still be considered a lesbian is you.

Your friend that is transgendered, how much time do you spend with him as opposed to your girlfriend? Has something happened with your girlfriend that makes her less available to you? Like her job, perhaps?

I am not sure why you are attracted to one person versus the other.  Have you thought about what your friends think? Do what they think influence you at all? Has the age difference ever been a factor? For example at 32 is your partner thinking about kids and settling down? Is your transgender friend closer to you in age?

Do the two of you have different friends? How about goals, do you have the same goals as you first did when you started dating? Are your parents, or other family members supportive of your relationship?

What was it that first attracted you to your girlfriend? Did you two have common interests such as music, movies, or books? Do you seem to have more in common with your transgender friend now?

Does your transgender friend feel the same way? It might be that he is filling a need you have.  A need that you might not even be aware of, or have not told your girlfriend about.  It is also possible that people and things change. These are things you need to think about in order to answer your question.

Perhaps sitting down and talking to your girlfriend about what is going on might help.  Attraction is tough to define or explain.  It is something you are going to have to look at and examine to decide what it is for you.

Good luck and don’t hesitate to contact us again with new info or with updates!

Suzanne at AlterHeros

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Suzanne holds a bachelor of Arts in Anthropology from Arizona State University in 2001 with a Minor in Religious Studies. She also completed another Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from Thompson Rivers University in 2010. Suzanne also participated in two workshops through La Clé des champs, a community-based mental health support organization for people suffering from anxiety disorders.

I am interested in being a part of Tell the Experts because I like the thought of being able to help people in some way. I know the struggles I went through and an organization such as this would have been wonderful to have had available.

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