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I am starting to have feelings for my lesbian friend…
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I am starting to have feelings for my lesbian friend…

Question asked by Will (19 man, Canada)

Question answered on February 19, 2012 by

Sorted in Friendship, Questions

I have a close lesbian friend. I used to see her as a friend until somewhat recently. After spending 2 days out and about I slowly started to feel differently about her. I figured this was most likely due to me being out and about, change of scenery, or something like that. I will say that has been the most fun I’ve had in a long time. I thought this would go away but it’s only gotten stronger over time really.

I’ve talked to a close friend of mine and he had no advise really. I tend to overthink things a lot so I am at wits end as to what I should do. I don’t want to say something and ruin what we have now. Even if I get “friend zoned” I think that would be better than doing something stupid and ruining the friendship we have.

Also a note about me, I am generally very shy quiet around people I don’t know. I tend to think too much and can get stressed easily. This situation is giving me headaches..

Hi Will,

Thanks for writing to AlterHeros.  If I understand your question correctly, you are developping feelings for one of your friends, who is a lesbian woman, and you are having negative feelings about the outcome of a disclosure.  All of that is “giving you headaches”, as you are saying.  For sure, it must be really difficult for you to be in that situation, since no one has control over that kind of feelings.

But, you do have the control over your actions.  So far, what was your plan ? You wrote that you don’t want to “say something and ruin the friendship”, but do you feel you can still be friends with her ?

A little reminder : you are not the only person who is living that kind of things.  Friendships can bring very powerful feelings, sometimes very hard to distinguish from love.  You can also be passionnate with friends, and have all kind of emotions…  The line is very difficult to draw.  So, for the moment, it is a possibility for you to step back a little, and try to see if you “fell in love” and really want to develop a relationship with her, with her good side and her bad side, or if it is just someone that you admire very very much, but be better as friends.

Meanwhile, try to see what would be best for your day to day life.  Are you the kind of person for whom it is better to keep busy, in order not to overthink ? If so, try to go out and meet new people, or do new activities – not necessarely to find love, but just to keep going on with your life.  With time, you will be able to see the picture more clearly…

Good luck with all that !

François, for AlterHeros.

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About

Impliqué au sein d’AlterHéros depuis 2004, François fait partie du conseil d’administration depuis 2005, à titre de vice-président puis de directeur de l’intervention. Il occupe ce poste de mai 2005 à mai 2007, puis de novembre 2007 à maintenant. Diplômé de l’UQAM en sexologie et de l’Université McGill en travail social, il a été employé dans de nombreuses organisations communautaires allosexuelles montréalaises, telles que la CJMLH et le REJAQ, en plus de travailler dans différents endroits du réseau de la santé.

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