I am a 30 year old woman and have always felt I am somehow sexually “broken”. I was molested by an old man at the age of 8.
The best years of my sexual life have been with my current partner. He has healed me in many ways, and can give me pleasure I never thought possible. We continue growing sexually constantly. So my question is one that hurts and worries me. When my partner goes down on me, I imagine him to be my father. Never during intercourse, just during cunnilingus. It turns me on very much, and is sometimes the only thing that can bring me to orgasm. I have also masturbated to my father going down on me. I would never act on this fantasy. I am pretty close to my dad, and feel guilty and broken for having these thoughts. I feel like the fantasy is stopping my sexual progression as a woman. I am to ashamed to tell my partner, for fear of sounding perverted, but sometimes feel that I would like to. Why would I be having such a fantasy if I am not attracted to my father?
ElizaM
Hi ElizaM,
First of all I want to say thank you for trusting AlterHeros by writing to us about this difficulty you are living. We also apologize about the delay for this answer.
What you are describing must be very disturbing to you and not easy to deal with. If I understood well, you were molested in your youth by an older man and now that you are living a healthy sex life with your partner, you have thoughts of being with your father during cunnilingus. You have also had this fantasy while masturbating although it’s something you would never do in real life. You would like to share this with your partner but you are scared of his reaction if you do.  This makes you feel like you are not living your sexual life fully and it is perfectly understandable. I will try to help you as much as I can.
Be assured that you are not the first person to ever experience this fantasy. Moreover, childhood traumas can influence a lot our present self and especially our sexual lives. Have you ever consulted a psychologist or a sex therapist about what happened when you were 8 years old ? If not, maybe you should. A therapist won’t judge you on your fantasies and will help you reconcile with your past to move forward in your sexual life by shifting your fantasy about your father to something else that won’t make you feel shame.
You also mentionned that you would like to talk about this with your partner. Have you ever told him about being molested when you were 8 ? And have you explored all the possibilities of how he could react to this situation? It could be a good idea to do other activites with your partner than cunnilingus during a short period of time so that it wouldn’t stimulate the thought of him being your father. You could also explore any other fantasies you have that doesn’t involve your father, so that when you masturbate you focus on these other fantasies. The most important thing is that you replace any fantasies that make you feel uncomfortable by other ones that excite you without making you feel ashamed.
I really hope this was helping! Don’t hesitate to write back if you feel the need to.
Sincerly,
Daphne