Thanks for writing to AlterHeros.  You are wondering if your teacher might have a crush on you, because she is staring at you and telling you compliments.  Schools are sometimes like little universes in themselves, and a lot of things can happen there – love, conflicts, friendships, etc.  But one thing is for sure : it is explicitely forbidden for teachers to have intimate relationship with their students (sexual relationship or love), and in a lot of places, that rules applies for several years after the direct teaching is finished.

Why are those rules there ? It is mostly because it is generally considered that a teacher is in a position of authority towards his or her students, therefore, not being in a position to have an equal relationship.

So what to do now ? It is never easy to let go the feelings that you are having for that person, but it is the best thing to do.  You can try to develop your network or do other activities to meet various people.  It doesn’t mean that you cannot keep contact or friendship with your ex-teacher, simply that it is not possible for you two to take it forward.

Good luck !

François, for AlterHeros.

Thanks for writing to AlterHeros.  If I understand your question correctly, you are developping feelings for one of your friends, who is a lesbian woman, and you are having negative feelings about the outcome of a disclosure.  All of that is “giving you headaches”, as you are saying.  For sure, it must be really difficult for you to be in that situation, since no one has control over that kind of feelings.

But, you do have the control over your actions.  So far, what was your plan ? You wrote that you don’t want to “say something and ruin the friendship”, but do you feel you can still be friends with her ?

A little reminder : you are not the only person who is living that kind of things.  Friendships can bring very powerful feelings, sometimes very hard to distinguish from love.  You can also be passionnate with friends, and have all kind of emotions…  The line is very difficult to draw.  So, for the moment, it is a possibility for you to step back a little, and try to see if you “fell in love” and really want to develop a relationship with her, with her good side and her bad side, or if it is just someone that you admire very very much, but be better as friends.

Meanwhile, try to see what would be best for your day to day life.  Are you the kind of person for whom it is better to keep busy, in order not to overthink ? If so, try to go out and meet new people, or do new activities – not necessarely to find love, but just to keep going on with your life.  With time, you will be able to see the picture more clearly…

Good luck with all that !

François, for AlterHeros.

D’abord, je te remercie de la confiance que tu nous accordes.

Premièrement, tu dis entretenir une relation privilégiée avec une amie, qui serait peut-être pour vous deux, une relation plus sérieuse qu’une simple amitié.

D’un côté, je ne sais pas si cette fille est la première ou l’une des premières filles avec qui tu éprouves cette ambivalence entre l’amitié et l’amour, mais il est clair que tu sembles tenir à cette relation. Je t’invite donc à réfléchir sur la relation que tu entretiens avec cette dernière. Pour toi, qu’est-ce qui distingue une relation d’amitié à une relation amoureuse ?

De plus, tu nommes le fait de ne pas te sentir tout à fait à l’aise avec elle, et ce, même si c’est ta meilleure amie.  Tout comme la relation amicale, la relation amoureuse comporte la notion de complicité, mais elle se réfère aussi à la notion d’intimité, de vulnérabilité, etc. Dans ton message, je ne sais pas si tu parles du fait d’aller plus loin dans cette relation. Peut-être que cette relation est d’une complicité exclusivement amicale. Je t’invite à y penser, afin de bien définir tes attentes, tes désirs et tes craintes dans cette relation, et ce, quelque soit sa nature (amicale ou amoureuse).

D’un autre côté, tu mentionnes qu’il y a un certain malaise qui s’est installé entre vous deux, qui nuit à votre plaisir habituel. Avez-vous nommé ce malaise et en avez-vous discuté ensemble ? Si non… Afin de clarifier votre relation, est-il pour possible pour toi d’en parler avec ton amie ? Il est parfois difficile d’aborder ce genre de sujet, mais il permet par la suite de construire-solidifier les bases d’une relation amicale ou amoureuse.

Merci d’avoir pris le temps de nous écrire, si tu en ressens le besoin, n’hésite pas à nous écrire de nouveau.

Titanne

Hi Sandy,

Thank you for writing to Alterheros with your questions.

You bring up a few different ideas and concerns about your sexuality and whether or not it has been influenced by witnessing other people’s abusive relationships. You say that you feel threatened by men and in turn, prefer to be around women and men with women’s character traits. Given that you are more comfortable around women, you are wondering if you are a lesbian.

As a witness to other women being in abusive relationships with men, you are reflecting on your feelings towards men, saying that they seem threatening by what you have seen happen to others. It is not unusual to fear away from situations or people that cause us to feel uneasy or fearful. In one way it can be thought of as a defense mechanism that does not allow you to get to close to a potential threat. However, not every man is abusive or threatening and not all heterosexual relationships are abusive. (I’m not belittling the cases of abuse that do happen, as they are very serious and need to be addressed.) It is also true that when there are instances of abuse in relationships it is most often the male who is the abuser but it is important to mention that abuse happens in all relationships both gay and straight by both men and women. While abuse is something to look out for in any relationship, by avoiding interaction with those who show interest in you, you may be blocking out (or shutting down) potentially great partners.

You mention that you are scared of the idea of being intimate with a man. Intimacy with another person elicits many different feelings, including fear. It is understandable that you are fearful of being intimate with men who already cause you to feel threatened. Ideally, one would not begin to be intimate with someone until they have put full confidence and trust into their partner and built a solid relationship out of mutual respect and care.

To answer your question about whether or not you are lesbian: As typically defined, a lesbian is a woman who is attracted to other women and wishes to have a romantic relationship (more than just a friendship) with another woman. Bisexuality involves a person being attracted to (and having relationships with) individuals of both the same gender and the opposite gender. Heterosexuals, by definition, are attracted to and engage in relationships with people of the opposite gender. Additionally, some people are not attracted to people based on gender but by the individual only and many more people chose not to label themselves by their sexuality. As you can see there is a great diversity (and complexity) in sexualities. There is no right or wrong way to see yourself. The way you define yourself today may be very different from the way you identify in one, three or even ten years.

Going by what you have explained in your statement, I do not know if you feel a romantic attraction to other women. While being around people who are non-threatening to you is a positive experience, there are more elements to attraction and sexuality than that. Take a look at how you feel around women, a part from being comfortable with them what other emotions do you feel? You may want to ask yourself some of the following questions: Do you find men attractive…women? (let’s say celebrities with whom you have had no interaction); Can you see yourself in a loving and committed relationship with a man…a woman?; If you could create your ideal partner, what qualities and characteristics would (s)he have? Using your responses to these questions can help guide you through understanding your sexuality.

When you feel comfortable to do so, exploring new friendships and possibly relationships with men and/or women may help you in your path to understanding yourself and your sexuality. Discovering your sexual orientation is a personal journey that you are in control of. Knowing your sexual orientation involves looking at how you feel about someone and whether or not you can have a satisfying relationship with them. This process doesn’t happen overnight. For some, it takes years to finally ‘figure out’ who they are. You can go about this process in whatever way you see fit, perhaps opening up dating opportunities to both men and women and assessing how dating men/women makes you feel.

Thank you again for writing in to Alterheros! Write us again if there are any further questions you may have.

For Alterheros,
Kelley

Dealing with your sexual identity at such a young age can be difficult for you, your family and your friends.  Family often think it can’t happen to them.  Friends can be okay with it one day, then not on another.

You should be proud that you are honest and forthright about who you are, that is a brave thing to do.  As for the depression you have sunk into, it is totally understandable.

However, cutting yourself, though it makes you feel is dangerous as you stated.  I know you want to feel better, or feel anything but depressed.

As for the thoughts of suicide, the depression does not help with that.  Who are the people ignoring you, are the good friends, family? Have you shown them the marks to prove that you are not lying?

A counselor can help you tremendously, school counsellor, or perhaps someone at a GLBT center close to where you live? Do you have a friend that could take you there, perhaps a support group where you can talk to others who are in similar type situations.  The people at centers like that are open, non-judgmental, and their only goal is to help you feel better and listen to what you have to say.

Why are you willing to talk to your friends, but not a counselor?  A counsellor would keep everything private, is trained to help you and listen to what you have to say, and can offer a lot of beneficial advice.  Have you tried talking to your parents, perhaps if they truly knew the depths of their depression they might ease up, or at least be willing to talk to you about what is going on.

I do think that you should do something for yourself.  Spending your teenage years hurting yourself, feeling depressed and thinking about suicide is not how you want to remember those times.

We all go through tough times, times we think are too hard, too difficult, and too complicated for others to understand.  But there are people out there that can help you if you let them, I hope you do.  It will change your life for the better.

Suzanne

This is a very common issue, because usually sexual relationships develop because you like a person, in the case of friendship, especially deep friendship is also because you like the person and being with them a lot. There is a difference between friendship and sexual partner, but the line can be thin and even blurred (the new popular term now is “friends with benefits”) As you mentioned in your question the possibility the friendship might not working anymore bringing-up the fact you are gay and have a crush on your friend.. Put the aspect of love and sexuality directly front and center.. If you decide to go in this direction by communicating this to your close friend what you are doing is changing the relationship. Your friend could react in all kinds of different ways, human emotion and intensity varies quite a bit from person to person. I do know if in the age of young men under 25 the bonds of friendship are very strong, depending on your location socio-economic, cultural and religious factors, it’s possible that in a strict religious upbringing and Christian school background you might get quite a strong reaction from a friend, and should be cautious about coming out and revealing your sexual love for the person, this especially if you live in a small town. You must consider your personal safety and your ability to live with potential harassment, especially until you move on to college in a larger city or another state. If you are in a big city or liberal area where gay and lesbians are common than your consideration of being open and honest, raveling yourself, becomes an easier choice. You may loose your friend, but being honest about feelings and moving on in life sure makes things easier. College especially for students away from their home and family is often a time when a person decides to come out, it’s probable that you will meet a few gay guys while at college, some colleges even have safe spaces and discussion groups/support for those who are bi, gay or questioning.

Read this Q&A I found on-line it is good advice from Yahoo UK answers http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100907100044AAlezu8

Another answer http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110614013825AABtzra

I also like the advice on this You Tube video “Gay Life” by Ask Dan & Jennifer http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OstpEZABze4

In conclusion, coming out is not easy, but it’s a process in the life of most gay, lesbian and bi people. Only you can choose when to start the coming out process, there is no right way to come out, just take advice from our site and others and determine what is the best way you feel comfortable with. Coming out is a process, for some it’s a long process that can take month or years for others it’s only a few weeks.

JP for Project 10 Montreal, Canada. www.p10.qc.ca

Thanks for writing in with your question.

It can be confusing when you realize you are interested in something you may have otherwise thought of as abnormal, but let me say that being turned on my transsexual porn is not abnormal at all. People are turned on by different things, and you are just discovering that this is something that piques your interest.

I can’t say if your interest will jeopardize your sexual identity, but it might be a starting point for you to look at what you are interested in, are attracted to, and what you ultimately want. Do you like like to watch transsexual porn in a voyeuristic way? Do you watch and also want to sleep with a transsexual? Could this be a manifestation of an interest you have for men as well as women?  Rather than considering yourself to be heterosexual with a bi-fetish, could you just simply be bi? These are all questions you can think about to figure out where you in fact stand. You’re 22 so there are things you are still unexposed to – so just because they are new or different than what you may be used to, they are normal and could be worth exploring.

As for enjoying anal penetration – that doesn’t make you gay or bi or straight. Guys of all orientations enjoy anal penetration. The prostate is unofficially called the “Male G-Spot” and it’s widely known that guys can be brought to climax by merely stimulating it. So enjoying anal penetration doesn’t define your sexual identity. Who does the stimulating, or how you do it, might be a better indication of your sexual identity, but again that is completely up to you to define.

Hopefully this helps Matt, and don’t hesitate to let us know if you have other questions.

Best,

Brad

By the sounds of your question is seems that you are feeling quite overwhelmed and that you might perhaps be ready to explore some parts of yourself that have confused you for some time now. I want to start by highlighting how much strength it takes for one to ask these sorts of questions, at any age. You say that you wish you had of gone through this in adolescence, but everyone has a different process to go through and this is one that is not easy for many people – regardless of age.

Since I do not know where you live it is a bit difficult to comment on the lesbian and bi community in particular that you are wanting to be a part of again. Generally speaking though, these communities are created and exist to embrace lesbians and bisexuals of all ages, races, abilities, etc. Depending on what your specific interests are, there could very well be a social group of like minded lesbians that gather in your community. There might also be a support group for women who are exploring their sexuality later in life. If you are unable to find any of these groups in your community, there are certainly many online communities that you might find helpful. Furthermore, just as with heterosexuals, people who are LGBT can have different values and you might meet some who value fidelity and others for whom that is not important. Being a lesbian or bisexual does not need to change who you are or what you value, and finding a compatible partner can be equally as challenging regardless of their gender and sexual orientation.

Whether coming out will cause you to lose all of your friends is not something that I can comment on without knowing them. It is also not something that you can control. Coming out is something that you might decide to do for yourself and your own happiness. Your friends are responsible for their reactions and hopefully they will be supportive of you. Coming out can involve a lot of lifestyle changes and over time you might find some new friends who share some of your new interests.

You mention feeling “miserable” and in “agony”. I encourage you to keep asking yourself all of these questions and keep seeking guidance until the agony subsides and misery gives way to joy. There is no age limit or expiry date on happiness and we are often never finished discovering and creating ourselves.

There are also many books on this subject which you might find interesting. Here are some titles to get you started:
Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire by Lisa Diamond
Long time passing by Marcy Adelman
Whistling Women by J Dianne Garner and Cheryl Claassen

I hope you have found this to be helpful Direne, and please do not hesitate if you have any further questions!

Hillary, for Alterheros.

Thanks for writing in to us at AlterHéros.  From your post, it sounds like you’re struggling with your coming out to your parents and close friends as lesbian and that you’re trying to figure out what to do now and how to get help.

First of all, a great big pat on the back for your bravery and a comforting hug for reassurance.  You did something really amazing by opening up to your family and friends and deserve a lot of praise for your actions.  There are people who wait for years and years before they muster up the courage to reveal their sexual orientation to even one person, let alone their family or close friends.  You have our support and we are proud of you!

When it comes to coming out to parents, this can be a very tricky situation.  Because you are still fairly young (even though you’re 14, your family probably still sees you as a little girl!), your parents might not take your feelings seriously.  It could be because they think your lack enough experience to know what you want in terms of a partner or in any other sphere of your life (e.g. future studies, job prospects etc…).  As well meaning as they might be, parents often assume that they know what is best for their kids, even if they have no idea what their kids are dealing with.  For now, the best thing you can do is continue living your life as you see best.  If you fantasise about being with other women and you want be with them, then keep dating women.  Hold strong to who you are and let your parents come to terms with the fact that you being a lesbian is not a phase.  If you behave like a mature adult, they will hopefully start seeing you as one and treating you as one as well.  Be warned though that this might take a while and that you have to give them the time to adjust to seeing you as an adult.  Though it might be difficult, really make an effort to not flip out on them if they keep not believing you.  If you do, they’ll continue seeing you as a whiny, confused, dramatic kid who can’t control her temper and you’ll have to start all over again to convince them that you are a mature young adult.

As for your friends, the fact that they rejected you after you came out to them sucks.  The whole point of being friends with people is so that you can count on them during the good times and the bad.  To be fair to them though, being on the receiving end of a coming out can be pretty freaky.  In your post, you didn’t specify how your friends rejected you.  Did they stop talking to you and ignore your attempts to get in touch with them after you came out?  Or did they go out of their way to make you feel bad?  Keep in mind that when you come out to someone, they might freak out a little because they think that your relationship with them will change.  If you feel that this is the case, you have to give your friends time to process the news, reassure them that you’re the same person and also be there to support them if they have questions or concerns.  There will be an adjustment period so try to sit tight and keep in touch with them if you can to remind them that you’re the same great friend as always, just that you like girls instead of guys.  You can also reassure any female friends that just because you’re a lesbian, you aren’t crushing on them.  It may seem silly but it is a very common concern!

If, however, your friends are being outright mean or homophobic towards you, you might not want to have friends who treat you so disrepectfully.  If in any way you feel harassed, try talking to a guidance counsellor at your school to help you if you all go to the same school.  Being a lesbian does not make it okay for anyone to give you a hard time so we strongly encourage you to find an adult that you can trust who can help you deal with the situation.

In terms of getting help, there are many resources available to you if you search online.  You chose to indicate that you live in Canada but not which province.  Please feel free to write again to let us know what area you live in so that we can give you more specific resources (we’ll keep this information confidential).  For now, we leave you with two nation wide groups that you can look in to.  The first one is PFLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays) which is an organisation that helps families work through the coming out process of a loved one.  They will be able to give you tips on how to talk to your parents and you may even decide to participate in some of their events.  Another website that has a listing of LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans & Queer) groups within different regions in Canada can be found on mygsa.ca.  This website is actually dedicated to starting up Gay Straight Alliances within high schools but their resource page is great because they sort organisations by province so that you can search and find what help is available near you.

Hopefully we were able to answer your questions Jamie.  Again, kudos for coming out to your family and friends; you’re really brave and courageous for having done so.  If anything new comes up or you have any additional questions or information for us, please feel free to write again.  Thank you so much for sharing your story with us and good luck!

Sincerely,

Kay Wo for AlterHéros

PFLAG

http://www.pflagcanada.ca/en/index-e.asp

mygsa.ca

http://mygsa.ca/Resources?show=wide

Thank you for contacting AlterHeros with your question. From what you’re telling me, I understand that you have some conflicting feelings with regard to gender issues and your sexuality. You also mention that in an ideal situation, you would be a male-to-female transsexual, but wouldn’t adhere to the socially perceived notions of femininity (i.e. wearing makeup and female clothing).

You are wondering if it is possible to be a transwoman, yet act as a tomboy at the same time. My short answer for you would be: Yes!

You can absolutely identify as a female while dressing in attire that you are comfortable in (not wearing makeup and women’s clothing like the ‘classic cases’). One’s gender identity does not dictate how one should dress or act. It is up to how you feel you can best express yourself and feel comfortable that matters.

You also feel that you could be a lesbian female, this is also very possible (and not unheard of) for transwomen. Similar to what I mentioned before, your gender identity (feeling male or feeling female) does not always predict sexual orientation (the physical, emotional and romantic attraction to others). Both of these concepts, gender identity and sexual orientation are independent of one another.

It sounds like you have a good idea of who you are and who you would like to be seen as. I hope to instill the idea that you have the right and perfect ability to express who you are in any way you see fit. While you have seen that there are a lot of “classic cases” of transsexuality that portray transwomen embracing femininity wholeheartedly, this does not mean that transwomen must follow society’s ideas and standards of how females are supposed to look and act. Transwomen have the same opportunity and freedom to express themselves as cisgendered* women do.

Exploring sexuality and gender is an emotional and complicated process. You’re expressing that you are feeling depressed–almost suicidal–about your discomfort in being male. Individuals who are experiencing similar conflicts to yours sometimes find it beneficial to visit a mental health professional or counsellor. These professionals can be found through various resources such as schools, clinics or phonebooks. Furthermore, some offer services that specifically cater to the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered communities.

I hope I was able to alleviate some of your concerns that you have. Further questions for us here at AlterHeros are always welcome.

For AlterHeros,

Kelley

*Cisgender- a term used to describe an individual whose gender identity aligns with the gender assigned at birth.