I think I may be having gender, sexuality and sadism issues.
Where gender is concerned, I'm biologically female. However, I completely loathe the idea of anyone perceiving me as such, but I know there's no way for me to be male and I don't want to be one. I'd prefer to be neither or both.
And I'm not attracted to men or women- but I am really attracted to the idea of them being hurt, sexually or otherwise. Whenever I hear that some young, promising person has committed suicide, or a very loved child has been murdered, it really excites me, until I realize how disgusting that is and I don't know what to do.
Part of the reason why I don't want to be perceived as female is because they are perceived as vulnerable- I like that on other people but not me. I don't think any of this is right. I have no romantic options like this, I would like them, but I just don't like other people. Am I sadistic + asexual or just messed up in the head? How can I accept it or change?